A few words about Mistress and my time spent exploring for the very first time.
Letting it all out - A reflection on my first visit to Mistress Jane.
As I switched off the car engine, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. My first visit to Mistress Jane took less than one hour by car, but my personal journey to this point in time has taken far longer to complete. It started with a seven year old boy seeing an illustration of a tightly bound Tom kitten in a Beatrix Potter storybook and feeling excited but not knowing why. Fantasies of being stripped naked and tied-up to the school climbing frame by a girl in my primary school, on whom I had a serious childhood crush, soon followed. However, this and all other ‘inappropriate’ submissive fantasies were to be imagined in silence and never ever to be divulged to parents, siblings or even the closest of friends. The arrival of puberty just made matters more difficult as I struggled to mentally comply with the traditional world of masculinity I had been thrust into. I was now a man and was therefore was expected to follow the appropriate behavior, man-up and fight, aspire to become the Alpha-Male and definitely no tears! Throughout this period and subsequent years of courting, marriage, work and parenting, my ‘dirty little secret’ remained out of sight and held in check like an ever increasing body of water being held back by a huge concrete dam. The emergence of online pornography, literature and film, and the opportunity to work for a number of powerful female managers, ensured that my submissive fantasies never left my thoughts no matter how well hidden my ‘dam of shame’ was holding them back. In more recent years, my submissive thoughts and needs became more powerful as I began to visit dominatrices websites whilst reading-up on the topic and learning all about CFNM, pegging, bondage, CBT and way too many BDSM flavours to recite here. As I entered my sixties having experienced the loss of a much-loved long term partner, I suddenly became aware of my own mortality - it was now or never. A respectful initial Email to Mistress Jane was carefully composed and the send key pressed. A smile of achievement followed – there was to be no turning back. I was now at last face to face with someone whose non-judgmental and calming presence gave me permission to open-up at last to my years of fantasies, internalised guilt, shame and associated risk of being outed as a sick pervert or sissy. After our initial talk, and my undressing, my inner submissive emerged from the changing room standing obediently in front of Mistress Jane who would guide me through the first steps on a journey for which I had waited for so long. I was soon lying on a leather bed experiencing the sensation of belt buckles being tightened against my skin and the sound of the click of padlocks confirming my increasingly helpless and immobile state. My ever-overthinking mind was beginning to shut down while Mistress Jane commenced the inspection of her captive prey. My ability to communicate in structured sentences rapidly deserted me, replaced by random babble as I desperately pleaded with Mistress Jane to perform all of the wicked plans she had for me now that I was under her control. Even this became more difficult as my body attempted to cope with waves of pleasure and torment being expertly delivered by Mistress Jane to my pulsing cock and anal cavity with her deliciously evil E-stim machinery. Slowly but surely, the long-standing dam that had been holding back my deeply hidden needs, was starting to weaken.
After this intoxicating introduction to Mistress Jane’s repertoire, I was led onto a new area adorned with hanging chains, a huge assortment of instruments of punishment and a distinctive dungeon vibe with soft purple ambient lighting emphasising the texture of its solid stone walls. My heart began to quicken again as the reality of a long fantasised-about event was about to begin. I was soon firmly restrained again by padlocked cuffs and chains in a standing spread-eagled position from which there was no escape. Mistress Jane spoke to me in a stern voice making it clear that I was to experience the punishment that would result from any form of unacceptable behavior by a slave. Knowing that I had no prior experience of corporal punishment, she began softly and carefully with a flogger, whilst closely monitoring my capacity to safely receive my punishment. As her strokes slowly became harder I began to moan whilst thanking her, again babbling almost incoherently as firmer strokes from the flogger and then her hand landed on my skin. Next, it was time for Mistress Jane to see how I coped with the cane. Again firstly after delivering some soft taps, the intensity slowly grew and my reddening backside began to sting. ‘Open your mouth’ came an unexpected command as a ball gag was positioned in my open mouth and the strap firmly tightened. As Mistress Jane resumed the use of the cane, I had now lost all power of communication and with that any remaining agency. Mistress Jane was now in total and complete control over my immobile body and silenced voice. It only took two more strikes of the cane for my internal dam to suddenly collapse as I burst into tears. All of the defences that had been protecting me from coming to terms with my desires for so many years, were washed away by a cathartic release of emotions and sobbing. I looked up through tear-filled eyes to see Mistress Jane in front of me. I didn’t need to explain the reason for my tears. Her knowing look told me that she already knew that I had succeeded in letting go of all of those years of internalised shame and guilt. As Mistress Jane carefully released me from my cuffs and chains, I knew that this session had achieved a hugely significant outcome. The reward for my achievements under the skilful guidance of my expert captor was to be led into an area resembling a medical treatment room where I was strapped into a gynaecology chair and attached to Mistress Jane’s amazing high-tech milking gadgetry to be milked whilst being pegged mercilessly by another item of her fiendish machinery. Needless to the say the outcome was explosive and left me feeling utterly spent but feeling emotionally recharged and renewed inside. As I reluctantly experienced the removal of my collar and was led naked back to the changing area, I felt an overwhelming sense of self-acceptance as I at last was giving myself permission to live in my own skin. I also began to reflect on the negative and damaging trauma that so many other men have to endure in order to comply with rigid, narrow-minded and outdated societal expectations. After getting dressed and reflecting on my experience with Mistress Jane over a very welcome cup of tea, I realised that my experience with Mistress Jane had been of something far deeper than I was originally expecting. Mistress Jane’s recognition of mans submissive fantasies come from a place of care, deep-understanding and an acknowledgement of the mental impact of keeping it all locked-up inside. To my mind, this is a most valuable and effective form of therapy even if it does result in a rosy red backside as a memento of my visit!
Thank you Mistress Jane.
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